A Conversation aboout Love, Self-Love and Boundaries!

00:00:01: Hello everybody and welcome to the Money & Shine podcast.

00:00:05: My name is Dr.

00:00:06: Mareike Bruns, I'm the host of this show and money mindset in business coach for female entrepreneurs.

00:00:13: In this podcast i share with you my knowledge around business and the universe.

00:00:20: And I combine smart-business moves with spiritual practice so that you can achieve your goals,

00:00:26: with ease

00:00:27: joy

00:00:28: and happiness!

00:00:29: i am absolutely happy

00:00:30: that YOU are here in this new episode.

00:00:33: listen to THIS NEW EPISODE AND we will start directly WITH THE NEW TOPIC TODAY.

00:00:42: You guys...I know it has been a minute since last episode of The Money & Shine podcast But today is the day where a new podcast episode is published and I love to present you an interview with my Dear and lovely Ali Hendry, who is an expert in dating and love questions.

00:01:05: And today we talk about the topic Love!

00:01:08: We talked about

00:01:09: Love!,

00:01:09: self-love, boundaries relationships where one partner is an entrepreneur while another partner is a employee or both are entrepreneurs.

00:01:23: I am really excited to have Ali here.

00:01:29: Enjoy the today's episode.

00:01:31: We'll be really, really cool and very interested in what you are going to say.

00:01:36: so let me know this... And there you go!

00:01:40: Welcome Ellie here to my podcast episode.

00:01:44: thanks for waiting for the German intro.

00:01:47: Thank You

00:01:47: So

00:01:48: Much.

00:01:48: I got some words..I did a year of German at school and some it is still there.

00:01:54: thankyou so much that lovely introduction.

00:01:57: your welcome Ellie, who's Ellie?

00:02:02: Who am I. I run a coach training school that specializes in romantic relationship coaching and also inclusion coaching And they blend so beautifully together because some of the topics we're going to be talking about today are how We look at relationships in different ways.

00:02:23: So not just sticking to the script and being creative.

00:02:28: So I run a coach training school.I have my own clients as well, i work with individuals ,i worked with duos... I tend to use the phrase duos rather than couples because i work different types of relationship love styles people who are monogamous and non-monogamous And i work groups & organisations running training around diversity equity and inclusion in businesses.

00:02:56: And what else?

00:02:57: I write for Diva Magazine which is an LGBTQIA plus magazine, For Women and Non-Binary Folk.

00:03:03: Which i love!

00:03:05: And I run their weekly relationship room... ...which is on Instagram live at Diva magazine.. ..and have the absolute delight & joy of meeting different relationship experts each week.... ...and different topics.

00:03:19: so that's...I want to do a TED talk about jealousy.

00:03:23: I think that's about it, probably enough.

00:03:26: It is a lot and this what i love in your work so much because you are open to any topic with everything You can come up with every topic.

00:03:37: This was really loved by our coaching.

00:03:40: I just told the audience at the beginning That you coached me What I love?

00:03:47: Every thought Was welcome.

00:03:49: It was not judged, it was welcomed and we looked at it had a look of how do you want to work with that?

00:03:55: And what does this mean for

00:03:57: you?".

00:03:58: The topics just mentioned show... This unjudgmental attitude is definitely represented by all the work in your personal genius!

00:04:17: That's lovely As we have love and relationships, all the topics that I want to ask you today.

00:04:25: My first question would be what does love mean?

00:04:31: That's such a great question!

00:04:33: And isn't it a throughout the ages.

00:04:39: I mentioned my Diva magazine relationship room Instagram live and at the end of every session, i have three questions that i ask each guest and one of them is what his love?

00:04:52: And had about, well I've been doing it for six years once a week.

00:04:58: so do the maths.

00:04:59: You know there's hundreds of people that have answered that question and this... There is always a different answer, there's always a surprising answer!

00:05:07: i think a lot of people talk about in terms of love being something you DO an act showing your love & making an effort.

00:05:18: And I think when I think of LOVE I think of that duality between self-love and loving others, And putting those on the same level.

00:05:30: Some people say actually no you should prioritise self love.

00:05:33: You should be lovin' you.

00:05:34: It's easier to love If you love yourself.

00:05:37: it is easy for other or if others will love you its easier for them To Love you if you love yourself.

00:05:43: Yes & No!

00:05:44: All Of Those Things!

00:05:47: So when i think about LOVE I Think About The Love That I Have cultivated for myself over the years and the love that I have, for others being on equal footing.

00:06:04: And it does show up to me as a warmth of wanting an intentional effort.

00:06:21: enjoy thinking about different ways of loving people.

00:06:24: There is a phrase called relationship anarchy that talks about having a friendship, relationships romantic relationship work with all.

00:06:37: your relationships are on the same level relationship itself.

00:06:41: so there isn't one that's prioritised over another and I know we live in.

00:06:47: There is a narrative that says we should prioritise being in a partnership and if you're going to an event, of course.

00:06:54: You'll go into ask your partner to be your plus one or If you are going on holiday?

00:06:58: Of course!

00:06:59: Your gonna' be going on Holiday with your partner.

00:07:01: What if you live in the world where also have availability With taking your best friend?

00:07:07: Go on holiday with a friend...you want To this place..and your partner doesn't want to visit That Place And your Best Friend does.

00:07:15: What if it's okay for you to go on a week's holiday with a friend in the way that you might be romantic partner as well?

00:07:21: So I like the idea love can be equitable, available without prioritising one type of love over another.

00:07:31: You know i'm a mum and people say oh you're supposed... The most amount your ever experience is for your child.

00:07:39: Yes!

00:07:40: That sometimes true And I love people in different ways.

00:07:46: So to compare the love of my child, To The Love Of A Partner or The Love of a Parent Or A Friend is quite difficult to compare because it shows up so differently... I don't know if that answers your question!

00:08:08: We've

00:08:08: gotten somewhere!

00:08:12: But it shows that love does not only have one side.

00:08:15: And I think, to be defined in one way as different persons require a different kind of love from you and give different kinds.

00:08:36: What I found really interesting about your thoughts that you just shared is this hierarchy thing, because i think THIS IS REALLY MUCH IN OUR HATS.

00:08:47: Like oh we have to take the boyfriend with us or the girlfriend with US or whatever and every time for...I want to bring an example here because it fits very well!

00:08:58: For my birthday I have a ritual.

00:09:03: Every birthday I celebrate, i am on a different place On planet earth where i've never been before.

00:09:10: So it must be A place that i'm excited about and what i really love.

00:09:17: And then all the people say oh but you do It every year alone.

00:09:21: and I said, yes!

00:09:22: i do it every year alone.

00:09:26: And then when I am dating men or like they ask me a bit about you want your boyfriend to come with you?

00:09:35: No...I don't

00:09:35: wanna have him with me..

00:09:37: I want to do that alone because I love to do it alone.

00:09:42: That has nothing to do.

00:09:51: I just enjoy being alone on my birthday, doing my thing.

00:09:55: Do some reflection work do some go work or Just enjoy a massage or whatever and that's it.

00:10:02: but i think That so often in our heads Or what society requires?

00:10:09: You have to be with A friend With the boyfriend And this is The only way you're happy.

00:10:16: no No

00:10:22: It begs the question, what it sounds like people are afraid of being on their own.

00:10:30: And that makes sense because if we look at The Capitalist Society in which People want to put us into pairs and groups.

00:10:39: They want to be able to sell us things, they want to upscale things And if you're doing something on your own You are making such a conscious choice of what do I think?

00:10:50: it's beautiful ritual.

00:10:52: It is an honouring Of yourself saying that i am growing human being and i want myself in new environment each year purposefully, intentionally so that I can learn more about myself.

00:11:08: That's what that's doing by visiting different places.

00:11:11: it's allowing you to have an even stronger connection with yourself because you're seeing yourself in different

00:11:15: environments.".

00:11:16: Yeah...that

00:11:18: was the most beautiful way to put it.

00:11:20: thank you so much!

00:11:21: That was lovely!

00:11:23: I do think people are very afraid of being on their own because they equate On Your Own With Loneliness.

00:11:29: and yes those two things do sometimes happen.

00:11:33: there is a freedom with being on your own.

00:11:36: I've had some amazing relationships over the years, absolutely beautiful relationships and i have always followed this script of meeting them falling in love moving together real long-term relationship.

00:11:50: I don't feel the need to live with a partner anymore.

00:11:55: I never thought i would feel this but at the age of fifty seven, This is exactly what I believe in!

00:12:02: I can have as intimate and connected relationships With people without sharing space And it's worked for me For the last ten years or so.

00:12:13: It has absolutely worked.

00:12:14: I

00:12:16: had a client, this story fits perfectly into what we were discussing so far.

00:12:32: You do this vacation and when you come back, you will record me a voice.

00:12:45: And I can tell you what he was saying.

00:12:47: that were the best holidays of my

00:12:49: life."

00:12:49: And like ten days later i got the voice...you are right!

00:12:56: Yes!

00:12:57: Enjoy

00:12:58: it!!

00:12:59: There is something about being single That you should enjoy..and that's lovely.

00:13:04: and honestly speaking enjoy your life and enjoy being with you own, not lonely but alone.

00:13:16: Humans are born for connection so wherever you are there will be a part of you that wants to connect with people whether they're smiling at somebody who's serving in the shop or sitting next another table in restaurant starting conversation with this person.

00:13:32: You'll be connected.

00:13:38: all of those sorts of things don't feel right for you and it doesn't fit in with who you are as a person.

00:13:43: Absolutely fine!

00:13:44: You will also be connected to nature, you'll be connected or... I love this idea of awe, you know A-W-E where you're enjoying the sunset or enjoying a scene Or enjoying a meal.

00:13:59: Think about different senses that we've got or listen to an amazing bird song.

00:14:06: are tasting this amazing meal or seeing this amazing sight, all of those things.

00:14:11: Are you connecting with something outside a view that's just beautiful?

00:14:16: It is and it also leads me to one of my next questions speaking about what society expects from me What I think what i should do answer on...I often experience the following situation in Coachings.

00:14:36: there are entrepreneurs mostly entrepreneurs who work with me like I would say.

00:14:41: Eighty five percent and of course as an entrepreneur you have somehow very different kind of life.

00:14:47: is your not an entrepreneur, and i want to be make a point here theirs when they say something this it's not judgmental its just like that the two days off being in employee on entrepreneur they just differ.

00:15:01: it is like this end Of course when you are an entrepreneur and most of my clients or female entrepreneurs, the people are single or whatever and ask me like, um I asked them how do you want to have it?

00:15:25: And they're like yeah when a husband.

00:15:26: Then i'm one of the children that don't wanna little house in a wonder will live there and lala and When They Tell Me That It Can Already Sense & Feel That There Is Absolutely No Spark In That!

00:15:36: There is no Genuine Desire In

00:15:40: That!!

00:15:40: There Is No Passion No Fire No Energy.

00:15:44: It's Just Like What The Protocol Says.

00:15:46: This Is What You Have To Want.

00:15:49: And of course, I'm not in the position to say hey this is not you but with a lot of conversation that we have most of the time it turns out Actually, what they're looking for.

00:16:05: But actually there are.

00:16:06: looking is maybe like have a relationship with the person who has that same life and where you can just some quality time.

00:16:14: children not on the table although everybody expects to have children when really be honest would love to have guy travel around world then scared oh my god do all other people say in family or whatever?

00:16:32: What is your advice when I realize that i have a desire, thats maybe not really fitting in to deal with and make you free out of this judgemental thing?

00:16:47: That could happen.

00:16:49: It doesnt' need but it could happen!

00:16:51: Yeah

00:16:52: yeah...I can relate what you're talking about particularly when clients who are on their dating season come into me discussing what they want and it starts with the list of things.

00:17:06: I think that list comes from dating apps, i think dating apps have done a number on us over the last few years as they've become more popular...I think their useful.

00:17:17: this isn't to put down dating apps..i'm talking about in kind of cultural way When we think about how dating apps work, they work on tick boxes.

00:17:29: They're a quick and easy way of saying I want children...I don't want children!

00:17:33: I'm monogamous..I am polyamorous....I'm whatever.

00:17:35: i am attracted to women I'm attracted non-binary.

00:17:38: you know that you have the ticks the tickboxes And so We become commodities.

00:17:45: We becomes something That is viable and also disposable because You Have The Swiping Yes, no.

00:17:55: It's so easy and it feels endless as well.

00:17:58: I mean some of the more successful dating apps.

00:18:01: there are thousands of people being put in front of you day after day.

00:18:05: So feel like a non-ending amount available to you And get overwhelmed with choice.

00:18:16: You can feel that there is too much choice.

00:18:19: Actually There isn't because as you've said, we're trying to get the heart of what is it that you want from this relationship.

00:18:30: I think its useful for conversations up front like at.

00:18:36: I am not thinking of having children ever or at the moment, i can't envisage living with a partner.

00:18:42: Ever so that those kinds of things i think could be useful...I love what you're saying.

00:18:48: it's far more interesting to be projecting into.

00:18:54: Is inspired by what you do and you are inspired?

00:18:58: By what they do, and you can work as a team.

00:19:00: You might have completely different jobs And also you have this energetic sense of I want to grow.

00:19:08: I wanna learn This world is too small at the moment.

00:19:11: i wanna make it bigger or create A business where i could flourish and employ other people as well, and give them their lives by me creating a business that's great for me.

00:19:25: And it has earns from me also helps others earn for themselves because they're going to be working for me.

00:19:31: so I think with the work we can do coming into the root of what i want starts with values.

00:19:41: there is an exercise that, in fact I have a coaching community and we run two or three free webinars every month.

00:19:49: And this week i ran a webinar where i was teaching people other coaches how to do the relationship values wheel which is a bit like the lifewheel.

00:20:00: it's far more tailored to the individual...and you start by thinking about what are my values?

00:20:06: The way Think about values is right for you.

00:20:10: You know, we talked about earlier creating a non-judgmental space.

00:20:14: What what?

00:20:14: Is it value to you?

00:20:15: well you get to decide.

00:20:17: I mean you might decide that your values sound a bit like a company.

00:20:21: so you might say trust and kindness, you know.

00:20:29: You might have words and phrases which are great.

00:20:31: other people...you might decide I'm gonna.

00:20:34: my values are about how i relate to people.

00:20:37: so a value could be what..I like to do one act of kindness today.

00:20:45: for someone else a value might

00:20:47: be

00:20:48: tied into a particular emotion or sense.

00:20:53: So it's really up How you identify values.

00:20:58: what values are doing?

00:21:00: Are determining how you live your life, how You move forwards in life.

00:21:05: so they could be a word.

00:21:06: They could Be a phrase.

00:21:07: that could be A relational conversation with somebody.

00:21:10: there Could be animals and you know my five animals.

00:21:13: These of the these are My values And then represent who I am and their animals.

00:21:17: to get creative if you're an entrepreneur you are creative and also bound and also you are able to manage time, I mean people have different relationships with time.

00:21:34: You talk about people who are new or divergent.

00:21:36: it may be that there are different relationships without time passes.

00:21:40: as an entrepreneur Manage your time in a certain way that works for you.

00:21:47: It might look chaotic to somebody else, but you can do there.

00:21:51: So that's part of what you're bringing into our relationship.

00:21:53: How much time how much energy?

00:21:55: Can I contribute right now to this this relationship?

00:21:58: How much of my priority am i willing To make this relationship?

00:22:02: You know sometimes we could be really scared about...I don't have enough Time For This!

00:22:06: I always say, you do have enough time.

00:22:11: It's about priorities.

00:22:13: if something happened to somebody who loved and had spent ten weeks in a hospital with them You would find that time And your business will still run because suddenly get creative and bring someone else into certain parts of it.

00:22:29: Why do i spend six hours of my week doing this pointless pair it right back, I don't need to do that shit.

00:22:40: So why not think about that now?

00:22:42: If i had to have maybe ten weeks is too long.

00:22:45: if i had two weeks in a hospital by somebody's side what would let go of?

00:22:49: my business will still run and those sorts scenarios can be really interesting.

00:22:57: how you are running your life.

00:23:02: This is by the way, that's so funny.

00:23:05: It's I mean a lot of Relationship topics have so much in common with money Topics and this is the question that I always ask when somebody says to me I Have absolutely no money for that.

00:23:17: And then I asked these super uncomfortable Question if there would be something with your child?

00:23:22: And that what costs six thousand euro?

00:23:24: Would you be able to manage six thousand year?

00:23:27: I definitely wouldn't.

00:23:28: I said listen it now nothing happens and euros, so

00:23:32: let's go.

00:23:34: Yes!

00:23:36: For example... And you were right with that?

00:23:40: Yeah it

00:23:40: is the same with animals.

00:23:42: some people who don't have children.

00:23:45: I think animals are family.

00:23:46: i've always felt animals and i know that's a controversial topic for some people.

00:23:50: if your animal was really ill then suddenly had to take them to the vets and find two grand.

00:23:54: You would find two

00:23:55: Grands?!

00:23:56: I agree absolutely yeah.

00:24:01: coming out of this, like I love the value wheel we did also together.

00:24:06: i really loved that exercise and how can relating to my values and also relating does help us to free ourselves a little bit more from the fear of judgment for other people, that we have or want to live.

00:24:31: Yeah I heard a brilliant question and i might be slightly paraphrasing it but what your eight year old person needs?

00:24:49: and what does eighty-year old you need?

00:24:54: Do you want to get to eighty, my mum's eighty six.

00:24:57: And she has an amazing life.

00:24:59: yes!

00:24:59: She has a lot of medical conditions... ...and she is losing her sight.. ..and shes'a photographer so sight for her....is the way that she enjoys the world so much.

00:25:09: And shes an absolute inspiration to me.

00:25:11: we speak every week.

00:25:12: We spoke earlier today & I gets SO MUCH from HER.

00:25:17: She has made choices throughout her life that people haven't liked and haven't enjoyed.

00:25:23: And she is so happy with her choices, and it had to work through those discomforts.

00:25:29: So if you're at a point where thinking I mean there's whole other topic about people pleasing of course There is particularly as you said A lot your clients are women who or People who were socialized as women As they were growing up.

00:25:44: Certainly, I can relate to being of service to others.

00:25:49: We had this phrase in our family which is called Family Hold Back.

00:25:55: So you are the last one to go.

00:25:57: You know it's The Guests and everyone else goes first And the men folk Go First as well.

00:26:03: so we're used To putting ourselves second.

00:26:06: Some Of the...I need make a choice for me and i'm going to annoy other people.

00:26:12: Harks back to past few and as you know is coaches when not.

00:26:15: we're not therapist so were not looking at the past where not climbing into that in a child work.

00:26:20: We are actually saying how was that showing up for now?

00:26:23: what other things do i doing now but no longer serve you, when u r when your got the voice on your head that says what you really wanna go out with this person and they are completely unsuitable.

00:26:35: And the rest of your family is going to say, what Is This Person Adding To Your Life?

00:26:39: They're adding absolutely nothing!

00:26:41: There have no value...they haven't got a job, there's that or whatever....and you're thinking yes but I want to be With This Person..this is my choice.

00:26:49: What's The

00:26:50: Voice?!

00:26:51: Let's describe the voice because this is what coaching a so brilliant at doing it.

00:26:55: It looks that The reality of them.

00:26:57: now, What's the tone and voice?

00:26:59: How loud does that voice?

00:27:00: Is it a woman's voices?

00:27:01: did a man's voice isn't indeterminate?

00:27:06: Tell me the energy as that voice in your head is saying you shouldn't do this.

00:27:11: What conversation Do want to have with that person With that voice In Your Head?

00:27:17: What narrative is it deciding?

00:27:18: Because right Now you're basing your decisions on the future, of what they might say.

00:27:26: Of what might happen.

00:27:27: They won't family events in the future that my partner will be ignored because nobody'll have anything in common with them.

00:27:35: You are making a decision On Your Life Now based In The Future That May Happen And Also That May Not Happen.

00:27:42: So You Have A Choice To Decide Whether You Focus On The Thing That Might Happen Or Might Not Happened.

00:27:50: That's such a great, great way of thinking it.

00:27:54: What does your eight year need old and I love?

00:27:57: It...I have another question but phrase that plays into that And i asked my clients like Who are those persons who you think might could have an opinion or whatever will be at your funeral and say thankyou for not doing it or playing it safe.

00:28:20: Nobody!

00:28:21: And the other question is, I always ask them do you know what your great-great mother had for a job?

00:28:29: No...I don't know and your great children will even NOT KNOW.

00:28:39: But this is such a great question, I think i will steal it from you.

00:28:50: And these are legacy conversations that about really truly inhabiting the world.

00:29:00: as life passes you by and you work with people who are making things happen, they're entrepreneurs.

00:29:05: They're out there taking risks with their lives.

00:29:08: And this is what I think it's so interesting.

00:29:12: sometimes you find that people who are really successful in one part of their life, whether that's relationships or work and then they're not doing as great in the other part of your life.

00:29:22: Whether that's relationship or work?

00:29:24: And what I say In The Coaching Space is... ...the elements of this stuff working.

00:29:29: take on those elements.. ..and put it into another area to see what happens because You're good at it!

00:29:35: It might be that Your Good at inspiring People in Work you're a great role model, and in your home life.

00:29:43: You are the one that always has to do all household chores.

00:29:50: when both men and women are working, it is still the women that are eighty percent more likely to be doing more work at home even though people are equally working in the same amount of hours they're getting paid for.

00:30:05: So there's a lot additional labour.

00:30:08: so if you were great being leader in the workplace what qualities have got as a leader?

00:30:15: How will bring them into your home environment, where you are managing your home as well.

00:30:21: Where you're a leader of sorts in your home?

00:30:24: take those skills and try them out because you're good at them!

00:30:28: And we're going to transfer them into new environments.

00:30:31: Yeah that's such great way thinking.

00:30:34: I'm so happy i invited today.

00:30:38: I'm so happy when you reached out to me because i love working with You.

00:31:07: definitely want to ask you because this comes up very often especially when one of my clients is an entrepreneur, was beforehand employee married the person he or she is married too and they both met.

00:31:26: When both were employees.

00:31:28: Now she's developing or he is developing most of the time that a woman with a cursor I use.

00:31:33: She, okay?

00:31:33: Um, she has uh- Uh if she now going to be an entrepreneur and The husband Is looking like Okay What's happening here?

00:31:44: Or it does not understand the way And saying things Like I think this coaching stuff is not working.

00:31:52: It's not good for you, i don't want you to put the money in there or do you really want to do this risky thing of entrepreneurship and whatever?

00:32:02: And there was conversation about the personal development.

00:32:08: the other partner is maybe criticising it or something like that.

00:32:12: In different kind of stories, in different kinds frames I hear quite often what would be your advice and thoughts on them?

00:32:20: Yeah!

00:32:22: It's a great situation to discuss.

00:32:26: two things came up for me while you were explaining this.

00:32:30: one was judgement because we've got.

00:32:38: I think it goes back to the values where, there are misaligned and you are... There's a mismatch.

00:32:50: There is judgement saying that for me personal development this what i'm doing This how im growing myself And then other person will say well You don't need that.

00:33:01: As u said The genders we're talking about tends be man saying I'm just doing it on my own, i'm just getting on with it whereas you are using a community.

00:33:12: You're using your coach...you're using a program.

00:33:16: if we look at gender then we can see why there might be that mismatch because the man has been conditioned to be autonomous, go out and strike their way.

00:33:31: We know they are statistics about men applying for jobs or women applying for job and men will apply for a job so they could do forty percent of the job whereas women need feel like they would do ninety per cent before applying it.

00:33:45: So we know lots of differences when it comes amazing studies around that, whereas the woman in the description you're talking about is more community-based.

00:33:56: That should be okay for those...for their awareness.

00:34:00: if we are thinking actually that's how me as a women and someone who has grown up conditioned to socialise as a woman um..in that space I need community ,I need support .That´s how i operate.

00:34:12: where as you as man have grown up this way of the solitary and im gonna do it strike out and you have different connections, I see how are with your friends.

00:34:23: And we use our friendships in different ways.

00:34:26: that's okay.

00:34:27: so coming to a place of understanding without judgement i think is...a good one on completely side.

00:34:37: no where this thought came from while describing it was also thinking about attraction the reason why New things come on board.

00:34:48: so like you said we started the same.

00:34:49: We were both driven and now I'm in this direction using these support methods, your kind of way or at perhaps moving ahead leaving behind a little bit again.

00:35:01: it could be either gender any other genders talking about non-binary folk as well transgender...we can lose attraction.

00:35:11: We can be less attracted to our partners if we're thinking, well they are not growing in the way that I'm growing.

00:35:19: And if that's coming up for you there is absolutely a conversation around attraction and how it shows up.

00:35:29: People have different types of...I run webinars as part of my ICF relationship coach diploma one of the syllabus topics on attraction.

00:35:38: there are different ways that attraction can show up.

00:35:40: There's an aesthetic, you know.

00:35:42: some people might be physically the physical attraction... Some people all factory attraction.

00:35:46: it is about smells and really turns them on.. Some of them its about a person's brain And thats their real attraction.

00:35:53: You know they're sapiosexual so theyre attracted by how that persons' brain is ..and a whole load other ways being attractive.

00:36:01: So if actually its impacting your relationship in way which makes detach, that's where we need to have those difficult conversations.

00:36:13: We mentioned right at the beginning love and I think i'd like to add on too my definition of Love.

00:36:20: Love is being prepared.

00:36:22: I

00:36:28: really loved everything what you said, but especially a few things that i also bring to the table when people ask me something like this.

00:36:39: I

00:36:49: have one example in mind.

00:36:54: There was a woman who was actually supported by her husband, doing all of his entrepreneurial work.

00:37:03: but the husband said when you make money let's organize this kind of investment and this ETF!

00:37:12: Let us put it into our house like that and do what we want to do.

00:37:17: Marika, when I'm really honest with you one of the main reasons why i want to make more money is because... ...I want to have a pedicure and I don't want to put it in all the ETFs or whatever.

00:37:28: And she said.. ..I honor him for that so much!

00:37:31: And I see that he wants to provide.

00:37:33: but can't he see?

00:37:34: That I just want to Have my own car and want To have my pedicures?

00:37:39: How was the conversation that you had about it?

00:37:41: She said, I'd never told her.

00:37:43: He will explode!

00:37:46: And there's this tension between them for a month... Can you imagine four months?

00:37:53: because of these unspoken words?

00:37:55: and i said to her like..I think You should free yourself.

00:37:59: maybe in evening you two have kind of conversations.

00:38:03: turns out The conversation is ten minutes And she said, I just... You know why?

00:38:11: Why am always so angry when you tell me about your plans?

00:38:16: because you never see that.

00:38:18: I just want to have like wellness pedicure where i use pedicur for a

00:38:22: metaphorical

00:38:23: sentence and you don't see

00:38:25: it.".

00:38:25: He says,"Why did you not say this to

00:38:27: me?".

00:38:29: She said,"Because I thought you think that's

00:38:32: ridiculous!".

00:38:33: And he was telling her that he comes from a background where He grew up in the very poor family, and he does not want it for his family.

00:38:48: This is why she's so conscious about money!

00:38:52: She said I understand that there were ten minutes and now i feel like... Awkward because I just didn't do.

00:39:02: and here's the thing.

00:39:03: And that leads me to the other thing, find so interesting.

00:39:08: The thing is when i feel a judgment about my own behavior?

00:39:17: I see it and projected in my outer world.

00:39:21: So there was also a judgement of her like...I can't use this for patekure.

00:39:26: Yeah!

00:39:28: She projected on her husband who never said that this is a thing, but in her mind it was a thing.

00:39:38: And then she realized It Was Just My Own Story That I Put Around My World and there's A Lot That Can Be Done With These Conversations.

00:39:49: What You Just Told Me.

00:39:51: And I think the clearer, and more judgment.

00:39:56: I take away of myself in my own behavior because off my desires which are always got given because when it's a desire why should that be from like white?

00:40:06: Why shouldn't i not go for it?

00:40:09: then?

00:40:10: um...I should clear my path first and see what is happening in marriage or partnership whatever you're living right now And I think that's so, so healthy.

00:40:23: You can really heal something inside of you because it is great to see how we ourselves can do ninety percent off the work and see what always reflects in the outer world?

00:40:42: Yeah!

00:40:43: And we invest so much time and energy in avoiding doing the thing.

00:40:47: Yeah, more often than not The Thing is never as bad.

00:40:52: yeah

00:40:52: It's Never As Bad.

00:40:54: I love what you say about... ...the story that she'd created.

00:40:58: it was kind of She was thinking its frivolous.

00:41:03: actually when i've just finished reading a brilliant book We Should Be Millionaires by Rachel Rogers one other things that rachel talks about.

00:41:11: When we are moving upscaling our businesses and moving into earning the bigger money, The reason why doing it is because We want to buy time.

00:41:21: We want more freedom in our day And allow others to support us and get good at delegating so that we have more times put our kids to bed or go on holiday impromptu for three days in a row just because all of those things are about us being able to afford time in our week.

00:41:46: Yeah, yeah it's

00:41:48: true.

00:41:49: I've always said that my mental health and well-being is part of my business plan.

00:41:55: me going to the gym Me Going For A Run meditation yoga journaling All Of Those Things Are Part My Business Because I am my business.

00:42:06: If iam not well enough,I can't be the coach that I want to Be and so those things are part of My Business Plan.

00:42:15: Yeah yeah...i had a conversation with A client around That And thats so cool because when you realise that normally your business is upscaling because Your energy Is higher..and Thats really lovely and super cool.

00:42:34: When both partners are entrepreneurs, this is something that I also often observe.

00:42:40: What do you think it's the best way to create space for each other and each others growth?

00:42:51: And dreams and goals without being judgmental or triggered... you are always kind of, I think judgmental or triggered by something.

00:43:01: Of course we're all human beings but the best way that can do it is what would be a great way to support each other?

00:43:08: There's this psychological term called differentiation which discusses the paradox when in relationship with your partner and also being separate so knowing and also knowing that you are an autonomous human being, can make your own decisions.

00:43:35: So I think in-in that situation it's making sure everything is about balance.

00:43:40: a lot of what we coaches talk about is about balances isn't it?

00:43:43: Whatever your niche as a coach, balance comes in some way because when not islands... We don't just have one thing going on our lives!

00:43:54: We have romantic relationships, family issues dramas that appear.

00:44:00: So whatever topic you're going to a coach for, other parts of your life are gonna show up and so balance is really important.

00:44:06: work-life balance relationship balance self time with self.

00:44:11: I think it comes down to the scenario that you were describing as about being interested in The Other Person And they may do a job That Is Completely Boring & Uninteresting that it's exciting for them.

00:44:30: you know that it sparks them up so look for how.

00:44:35: It impacts them.

00:44:37: ester parel who is a psychotherapist working in relationships talks about this brilliant definition of desire and she says Desire, you really desire someone the most when they don't need you.

00:44:51: And I don't mean in a kind of game-playing way in terms of oh i really want this person because they keep rejecting me...I mean as in when they are in their power then you find them really attractive.

00:45:04: so an example would be perhaps you have a partner who plays a musical instrument and they're playing that instrument, you are watching them play the instruments.

00:45:13: And YOU ARE in awe of them playing this instrument!

00:45:16: They don't NEED you at all...they are connected with the instrument there generating a beautiful sound.

00:45:23: You're enjoying it and you're watching this person be IN THAT MOMENT.

00:45:28: BE IN FLOW as we say as coaches they are truly in flow AND THEY DON'T NEED YOU.

00:45:33: they might even have forgotten that your in the room listening to them.

00:45:36: That is where you feel so much attraction for that other person.

00:45:40: They don't need you and they are in their power, So if we take that into this scenario Where?

00:45:46: You've got two people on there really busy And I've got a lot going on different professions and we say actually Let me see what lights you up.

00:45:55: let me ask you not how was your day?

00:46:00: Think of some some other amazing questions like what?

00:46:04: What was what brought you joy today.

00:46:07: What made you laugh out loud, in work?

00:46:12: Where did feel like?

00:46:14: you wanted to just fist pump and go?

00:46:16: yes, share that moment where that happened rather than oh how's the meeting?

00:46:21: Oh have we got any new people who've joined your program.

00:46:26: That's all data.

00:46:28: let's go deeper then that!

00:46:30: Let's ask investigation questions...let's ask them questions that tell me more about who you are as a person not what.

00:46:39: I

00:46:43: have a personal question around that.

00:46:45: That's just coming up and maybe someone can relate to this.

00:46:48: what?

00:46:49: First of all, i love those questions And how we can create space for each other and see like not the...like Not.

00:46:56: How Can We Bring Our Partner To The Best Results Ever!

00:46:59: I mean Of Course Sure If This Is The Goal But Like Also Asked Like What Would Light You Up In That?

00:47:05: Like Whats The Thing That Makes Your Heart

00:47:07: Beating?!

00:47:09: Like

00:47:09: I Love That.

00:47:10: I really like that.

00:47:11: What if one partner is?

00:47:13: so let's take the music example, Like Let's say One part is super interested in Music and The other one Is Super Interested In Sports And Everybody Just Does His Or Her Thing But It'S Not Quite...It'S not Like There Is No.

00:47:30: How Do We Call?

00:47:31: Cross

00:47:32: Over?

00:47:32: Yeah!

00:47:32: Thank You Cross Over.

00:47:36: Now One Person The music person is talking constantly about the music and asks questions.

00:47:54: What is your advice?

00:47:55: because like when it's not, oh I just tell you about something that lights me up but music.

00:48:03: And there was nothing other than the music.

00:48:06: how could handle this situation without blaming for his or her interest in music?

00:48:13: Do you understand what i'm talking about?

00:48:15: I do and valid boring!

00:48:18: Come on let us talk a little bit more.

00:48:24: What came to me while you were asking that question was, it is okay... ...to have things that are completely separate.

00:48:32: Like we said earlier your partner will have friends who are music nerds and they can nerd out about all of the conversations to do with music.

00:48:44: If that's the case We need those crossover topics.

00:48:49: We need common ground activities and that could be something completely random, there is nothing to do with the music.

00:48:57: And it's nothing to deal with other interests than what another person has got.

00:49:02: when I look at successful relationships because they're not just people coming into me who are in distress or have a big change coming up... People also come for relationship upkeep You know?

00:49:17: They want monthly check-ins heading in the direction that they want to head-in, as a unit.

00:49:26: Because when you think about couples You've got each of the individual people their lives and you've got the relationship is a third entity As well.

00:49:35: so you gotta care take all those entities.

00:49:38: So People who are coming To me they're doing really well.

00:49:42: They are constantly choosing activities to do where they're both learning something new together because you're out of your comfort zone, particularly if you've been together for a very long time You're seeing a different side to your partner that may have never seen before.

00:49:59: as you learn this new thing and the New Thing Your Learning could be watching a YouTube video.

00:50:05: It doesn't mean signing up for it twelve weeks you know, adult education course every Thursday evening.

00:50:11: It doesn't have to... But it can be!

00:50:14: Choosing something that could be learning a language together.

00:50:16: Choosing some thing where both of us want to visit our country and we're going to do research around the new country and sharing things in this country.

00:50:27: so there's anything like a shared learning journey with each other.

00:50:34: That really works.

00:50:36: Another area don't think we talk about enough is rituals, having relationship rituals.

00:50:43: They can really bond you and hold you together and some examples of that might be.

00:50:49: I remember this beautiful couple that i worked with for a while... And every evening they had a ritual where they would ask each other a question about their day and it wasn't allowed to be one of those.

00:51:03: how was your day?

00:51:04: or that?

00:51:04: it had to be a creative question.

00:51:06: And so what they would do during their days, is they'd be thinking about What's the Question I'm going to Ask That Evening?

00:51:14: thinking beautiful nourishing ideas, what gift can I give my partner to find out more about them and for then have a really quite crazy or quirky creative question that evening.

00:51:25: And busy lives children entrepreneurs etc...and also they have this little nugget of connection Every day and they know, they're going to do it.

00:51:33: And is at the end of the Day just before They go into bed?

00:51:36: And then ask The question each Of Each other.

00:51:39: I Do with my daughter.

00:51:41: We have a three things.

00:51:42: At the End of every Eve every night i always say To her what are your free Favorite Things of the day and It's Just A beautiful little Thing we do Automatically.

00:51:52: Sometimes There Really Superficial Things sometimes Their Random Things Sometimes their Silly Things.

00:51:58: it doesn't matter Those Rituals Hold you in Love Mmm,

00:52:03: definitely.

00:52:04: I love that so much!

00:52:07: This is this ritual thing.

00:52:08: there's so much value in it and i do something like with my clients on every Saturday called Dankbarkeitsamstag the translation being thankful for Saturdays.

00:52:19: we always put together a group.

00:52:24: where are you thankful?

00:52:26: what I get so often as feedback is like the most beautiful thing was this being thankful on Saturday, because we came together.

00:52:34: We had a thing that builds community.

00:52:36: That's so lovely!

00:52:40: Circling around again to its music topic or whatever.

00:52:51: in your relationship What would you say?

00:52:56: Having a boundary here or like setting boundaries is something that Place in here with the whole story.

00:53:07: Yeah, yeah it's successful relationships are those where?

00:53:13: Individuals understand boundaries and they're able to practice them.

00:53:17: It is a practice and I'm able to maintain them.

00:53:20: sometimes when we thinking about setting a boundary.

00:53:23: We front load all the work and we think that how are going to talk about the boundaries, sell them out into other person say what's gonna happen?

00:53:31: And then forget they also need maintain their own tree.

00:53:35: If you're not looking at how do I because it is not one done can't just say right this was gonna happened in the other person changes doesn't want like that.

00:53:44: so being ready for the knock back if he liked him be able to keep doing.

00:53:48: when i think about boundaries I like to use imagery and i always used the image of a field.

00:53:54: You are in your field, And you're fence is around you as you stand In Your Field... ...and that Fence Is Your Boundary.

00:54:02: That Fence Says What Your Yeses Are, what Your Nose Are or What Your Maybe's Are.

00:54:07: Who gets To Come Into Your Field?

00:54:09: You Decide Meanwhile.. Your Partner Is Standing In Their Field.

00:54:13: They Have A Fence Around Them.

00:54:15: They Get To Decide What Are Their Yeses & Their Nose & Their Maybes.

00:54:18: So Boundaries and Rules quite often get confused, a boundary is set and maintained by you.

00:54:25: It's not imposed on somebody else it's set-and-maintained by you.

00:54:29: so in the incident of this hypothetical person who is banging on about music all what you're working on with your music, I wonder if we could bracket that time and then the other person is able to do that or it's not.

00:54:57: If they say well now just...I'm gonna talk about as-and when.

00:55:01: so there are already going against your initial offering of can we bracket some times?

00:55:04: So maybe When were having dinner together?

00:55:07: That's where we talked about in the music at other times.

00:55:10: We don't see.

00:55:11: save up for that kind like no i am doing any time That's when you would have to set your consequence, and that consequence is set and maintained by you.

00:55:21: You are not telling the other person what to do... ...you are telling the another person what YOU will DO!

00:55:26: THAT'S THE CONSEQUENCE!

00:55:27: THATS THE

00:55:28: DIFFERENCE!!

00:55:28: If it's a rule, you're TELLING them WHAT TO

00:55:30: DO!!!

00:55:31: If its a Boundary, you'll tell them WHAT YOU WILL

00:55:34: DO!!!

00:55:34: So you might say OK great I'm hearing what he was saying.

00:55:38: It won't be possible for us to bracket time around talking about music.

00:55:45: When you start a conversation, I will be removing myself from that

00:55:50: room.".

00:55:53: And then you have to do it?

00:55:54: That's the difficult bit!

00:55:55: Then you actually had to do this.

00:55:57: I just wanted to say that because... ...that is the difficult thing that you need in those moments like holding your own consequence.

00:56:06: Yes Like..I just go and not going to do that.

00:56:11: but there are so much freedom and freeing when you do what it's just like the first time and then people see okay, its really not ok.

00:56:19: What I'm doing here yeah!

00:56:20: And that is

00:56:21: cool.

00:56:22: And they're going to.

00:56:23: there is gonna be a pushback and I think if we accept the push back, and We mitigate for it.

00:56:29: We can help ourselves.

00:56:30: So if we think they are probably gonna kick off.

00:56:32: They are gonna say you also rude just walking away from me.

00:56:34: Yeah You know not because she told them that's the consequence.

00:56:38: She've told him what's kind of work for you?

00:56:51: talks about boundary guilt where I feel really guilty.

00:56:55: setting this boundary, i feel like you know...I'm being selfish.

00:56:59: so we're back to people pleasing again.

00:57:00: We're back these stories that we've created.

00:57:04: actually what you're doing is you are allowing the person to love the true version of you not the version that YOU feel you should be for them.

00:57:14: yeah oh my god!

00:57:16: I love that so much.

00:57:18: This is something that I say often to my clients, especially in also business context.

00:57:24: Like do you really want people To love a version of you?

00:57:31: That it's not real you?

00:57:34: and Do you think this is Really?

00:57:37: because the thing is that we think this Is unselfish but actually It's the most selfish thing that you can do Because You're just avoiding A hard Thing And like, do you really want to be that selfish and not loving yourself?

00:57:51: Just show them who YOU are.

00:57:54: That's such a wonderful thing.

00:57:58: Ellie I could have one more hour with you!

00:58:01: We're talking nearly an hour now... like fifty-eight minutes.

00:58:06: I couldn't even talk for two or three hours but I think

00:58:11: we should go

00:58:12: down to an end.

00:58:14: We'll have to, we'll have a part two.

00:58:17: Definitely definitely.

00:58:19: maybe we should do together as seminar.

00:58:20: this is called money and love where we put all the relationship things too romantic and money relationships together.

00:58:29: Absolutely!

00:58:30: And you know what I would love?

00:58:32: to listen to this podcast and then give questions that you and I work through.

00:58:43: Because we both have similarities with how we approach topics, so it could be interesting for people like us to go through those questions and get an opportunity to find the answer that fits for

00:59:00: them.

00:59:00: That's cool!

00:59:02: So everyone who has a question... give it to us.

00:59:06: Send it to me, send it to Ellie and we will have a Q&A.

00:59:09: I would love that!

00:59:11: Let's do this!

00:59:12: That is cool.

00:59:15: let's see how you put your hands together?

00:59:19: One last question You just mentioned a wonderful and lovely ritual with your daughter.

00:59:24: Three things that were lovely about the day.

00:59:29: What are three things in terms of love that you experienced recently?

00:59:43: I

00:59:44: have got really good friends, not a huge amount of friends and we're all very loyal.

00:59:51: And i went on holiday for four days with my friend and her five year old son.

00:59:59: We visited her mum up north in Scarborough had great time.

01:00:08: I came back earlier because i had to come back for work and they're still up there staying with her mum.

01:00:14: And, her son said to grandma as in my friend's mom the sun said to Grandma oh Ali is part of my family!

01:00:24: Her mother said no no no... The grandmother said No no no.. I'm your grandmother this is your mother that's your family.

01:00:32: And the five-year old said, no because Ali has chosen to be part of my family and that's more important.

01:00:41: Oh My God!

01:00:43: I love that.

01:00:45: This is a five year old...I mean he is very emotionally intelligent.

01:00:50: this is a Five Year Old so That is just one beautiful loving moment.

01:00:56: i love my friends.

01:01:00: they love me and you know we're very close.

01:01:03: so that one.

01:01:07: Love, the feeling seen in your...feeling scene when I'm powered down?

01:01:21: When i'm powered fluff on the sofa and Knowing that's okay.

01:01:36: Yeah,

01:01:39: I don't need to be anyone or be anything Or do any one?

01:01:43: Do anything.

01:01:45: And then the third...I mean animal love by cat.

01:01:59: My cat is.

01:02:01: so I put a little chair in a new place in my flat And obviously anyone who has cats, cats think that everything you do in your house is for them.

01:02:11: So my cat went and sat on this chair like that chair was put there... ...and then I went over just saw this little snuggled up cat and got a look of thank-you from the cat!

01:02:25: I also think that there is a spiritual connection with animals, we sometimes discount.

01:02:30: Children have it.

01:02:32: when you see children with animals they have that spiritual connection and i think we lose as adults so feeling loved by my cat.

01:02:42: Let's go for

01:02:42: the random one!

01:02:43: Yeah but is it random?

01:02:46: because love is love?

01:02:47: You can experience in most random experiences.

01:02:50: I love that with the animal, i experienced this year a lot and it's not my dog but he is like When when I want to leave, he came into my bed and He's just like putting his whole body on me.

01:03:11: Like you stay here or taking My shoes away away And it's hiding in His little blanket so that i can't put On my shoes and go away and something That was like oh my god how lovely is that?

01:03:22: Adorable adorable

01:03:26: Ellie.

01:03:26: It Was amazing To talk with You!

01:03:29: It was such a Lovely interview.

01:03:30: if people would love to find you and Love to work With you where Can we Find you?

01:03:35: You can find me on LinkedIn, so alihendryonlinkedin.com.

01:03:40: you Can Find Me On My Website Which Is Alihendery.co.uk And You Can Find ME On Instagram which is AliHenderyCoaching Yes.

01:03:51: So for all of you who are listening today or during this week, we will also link Ali everywhere where we can link her so that you'll definitely find her and I really recommend to have a coaching with her.

01:04:06: it was great time being coached by you!

01:04:13: Thank you so much, and I have space for two people.

01:04:16: So if people are interested in getting some one-to-one coaching then we can explore whether we are a good match?

01:04:23: Yes great thank you!

01:04:25: Thank you very much and it was lovely to talk with you...thank you

01:04:31: You too an absolute pleasure.

01:04:32: thank you so Much for inviting me into your podcast.

01:04:35: i'm so excited that get to be here

01:04:37: Of course So that was the newest episode of The Money and Shine podcast.

01:04:45: Thanks for listening, if you would like to work with me together and want me as your personal coach for achieving your goals with joy ease and happiness then You find all my contact data in the show notes And he can just chat with or have a call with me together in a wonderful and beautiful way.

01:05:08: So please don't hesitate just to contact me, I'm absolutely happy to share all my knowledge with you ,to work with you!

01:05:14: And now i wish you a wonderful day and much success on all your projects !

01:05:19: See you then in the next episode and much love for yours Marijke.